I've decided to update this blog on my Cellular device :).

Everything's going to be alright. I just know it.

Venting,

Have you ever had the urge to do something, but you know it's bad and you shouldn't be doing it? That's how exactly I feel at the moment. There's things that my heart is telling my head to do, but other things that my head is telling my heart to do, I don't know which one to listen to or if I should even to listen to either of them. So many things have been going on over the course of the last month, I've been dealing with the whole situation of moving to a new house. Living somewhere half your life, being so comfortable with your surroundings, then moving to a new place, getting comfortable with your surroundings finally, but then you move to a new place and you don't know anyone or where anything is. That isn't being comfortable, and I don't want to end up like that. Originally, my parents were going to let me finish my 1st semester at Fairfax, but then I just had so much other stress and other things to worry about to be going back and fourth from where I live now, to Fairfax everyday for 5 days a week. I think my parents made the right choice of transferring me sooner than later.. Sadly, things have happened since I've moved that I can't change, or that are still being talked about. One thing is, my situation with my "lover"<3. We were both so depressed that I was moving away from him, that now that it has happened, it's been no biggie. I have a feeling though, that when I start the new school next week, my emotions are going to start kicking in again. I seriously can't handle my emotions, how I feel right now. It's all slipping out of my control and slowly killing me deep inside, one moment after another.. Situations like these, I never know how to help myself...I feel so different, too many things are all happening at the same time, it can be sometimes too overwhelming... that's a way to put it.

LA sick.

Recently, my matters have been very stressful. I try my hardest to fight all of the problems away, but they just keep coming back in my life. The whole situation of my boyfriend dealing with me moving and being even further away from each other has literally gotten to the point of where I don't know what to do for the both of us. We have been together for 347 days (11 months and 12 days), and we've had other things than this in our way from seeing each other, but this has been the hardest for me to handle on my own. All these different news in one month, I can't take it. Moving homes, schools, what next?.. I hope out of all this comes positive..

So, 30 more days until my birthday, exactly a month away.
I wanted to go to disneyland for my birthday, but I'm not sure
if my parents will let me, but I've been bugging them about
it since I found out about getting in for free on your birthday thing last year.
So its like a 90 percent chance I can go to disneyland.
Hopefully who I wanted togo with can still go.. I hope..
OR ELSE MY BIRTHDAY WOULDNT BE THE SAME :/

Use somebody.

Lately, School's been the main priority in my life.. I just needed to start off the school year focused on Schoolwork, and not fooling around too much. I know, there's a time for playing around, and there's a time for being serious. Freshman year isn't the way I pictured it, but I'm pretty happy to be in High School now. Even though, I have to deal with a lot more stress in my life.
Volleyball 2-1. in our leauge.
As you probably were wondering, I'm still going strong with my Boyfriend.
I've realized so many things, because of other things going on to other people. I've realized that you can take love away from me and leave me Here alone, but the one thing you can never be able to take away from me is my dreams. and in my dreams i'm still in love with him and will be forever no matter what you say. no matter what you do, i still love him.

&then again.

There will always be you to look forward to in the mornings.

I miss...

I miss our ways, together forever..right?

these words,

mean a lot to me,




"i will not cheat on you i will be THE best boyfriend".

personal.

i want to stop giving. all i ever do is give give give give give give give.. and give. no, i'm not suppsoed to expect anything back; no gratitude or anything, but how is it supposed to feel when i put so much in? not positive, for one. it's hard to lay back, it's hard when it's not something i'd normally do, or have ever wanted to do. but now i want it and i can't do it. every time i tell myself to stop, it just doesn't work. i want need to stop giving...and to stop settling for less than i deserive.

meant to be with you, and ONLY you.

I strongly believe that two people are
connected at heart. And it doesn't
matter what you do, or who you are,
or where you live. There are no
boundaries or barriers if two people
are destined to be together.

Because,

Because sometimes there is no easy way out. You just have to grin and bear it. Sometimes the only escape route is to go straight through the flames, just brace yourself and bite your lip. Sometimes you have to sever the ties clean off. Because in every relationship, there comes a point when the damage is too much & no matter how good it once was, the memories can't sustain you. You have to save yourself knowing all the while it will hurt like hell. Because you can't keep giving someone everything if you get nothing in return. You're so afraid to continue what we have, you know something's there. You feel it just as much as I do when you touch me, you like it just as much as I do when you kiss me. It's just, you're pulling away now 'cause you know that if you don't pull away soon, you might find yourself falling in love. And I don't think you're prepared for that.

Then darkness comes,

when life comes rushing at you out of the darkness who will you choose to face it with? will it be someone you trust? will they be wise? and will their love for you help them guide you to the light, or will they lose their way in the darkness? will they make noble choices? or will that person be untested, someone new? life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness. when it does, is there someone in your life you can count on - someone who will watch over you when you stumble and fall and in that moment, give you the strength to face your fears alone?

half

I just wanted to tell people I'm still alive and doing well.





<3."Half way around the world, and I still make her smile. :-)"

TEXTING!!

At this point in time, I really know very few people who don't admit to sending at least a text message or two everyday, & even my own mother knows how to send one, though she thinks the idea is quite over-rated.
Personally, I think the acting of "texting" comes most into play when one is involved in a relationship. Most of us have heard of the joking phrase "textually active," but this statement probably rings true more than we give it credit for. Sure, there are those couples who can expect as little as a "have a good day!" text & be perfectly fine, but then there are those (and probably the majority) couples who expect to talk via text messaging for literally the entire day...when does this become too much?
My mom has always said "you kids are too in touch. Back in my day we didnt talk to each other for days!" What she's trying to say here is that "back in her day" relationships were based upon trust. These days, if we aren't talking to our S.O. we're wondering what they're hiding...in a sense, texting is making us come across as exactly how we DONT want to come across - ding! ding! - CLINGY. You guessed it.
So here's my question for you - do you think your texting with your S.O strengthens your relationship with them or actually hurts it? &, in your experience, have you ever had a relationship helped by texting...or, you know, hurt?

San Fransisco,

Up north for the weekend, missing everything in LA.
I want my comfortable bed back.

theres no point, no reason.

my life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet i'm happy. i can't figure it out.

Lessons that are being learned,

In these past few weeks, I learned that God will never take anything away from you without giving you something so much better.

No more going back,

"Dont ever change, i love you EXACTLY the way you are."

There's no more going back, all I can do now is go on to what's ahead of me. Sometimes, I don't even want to look at what's ahead of me.. Sometimes, I just want to be a little kid again, the little Megan I used to be.

Expect the unexpected,

I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter.

I think alot,

I think we write to start over.
We write to escape.
We write to rewrite.
We write to fast forward.
We write our stories, and our novels.
We write school essays and poems.
Because it lets us create things they way we want them to be.
Where can you create the perfect someone,
and turn him into your prince?
Who else will say the words you want to hear?
No where, but in the stories you write.
Where can you write out your situation,
and end it the way you want it to?
Where else can you create a happy ending?
No where, but in your stories
When can you write how you feel?
Where else can you be graded based on
how well you can start your opinion?
Where else is it okay to persuade people to do it your way?
To think your way?
To believe your beliefs.
No where but in your persuasive pieces.
Where can you describe the things you?
When is it okay to recite in rhyme,
all the things you wish people to see
and understand like you do?
No where, but in your poetry.
So why do we linger on words so much?
Why not face our circumstances?
Why do we prefer to run away from the situation at hand,
rather than take those steps forward.
Why do we fall to the ground at the knees of our creative minds?
Why do we become slaves to the world of imaginary beings?
We live in a world of make believe.
We roll around on the words of others and ourselves to escape.
But we've gone to far.
We find luxuries like this as a drug and we abuse it.
Post an entire blog on how depressed you are and you'll get a pity party of comments.
So where did it get you?
I don't know about you, but when I linger on things, I get depressed even more.
I've spent my years trying to figure out how xanga is helping all of you.
I don't think it is.
If it is, give me the secret.
Because I find no therapy in write how i feel, reading quotes that are supposed to make me feel like someone is going through the same thing as me.
It makes me feel pitiful.
We need to man up.
Be a woman.
Face life as it is.
Your boyfriend breaks up with you - boo hoo.
I'm sincerely sorry for you.
But when we all come here for sympathy, this becomes one big sob story.
And when you leave at the end of the night,
Honestly, do you feel better?
Go ahead, write your hearts out.
Do what you love to do.
Create the greatest story you've ever written.
But don't base your life on websites like this.
Imaginary people giving imaginary advice.
Go out into the world.
Talk to real people.
Actually move on.
I'm done with xanga.
I'm done with being depressed.
Sadly, i'm done with what I love.
I'm gonna say it.
and I'm gonna shout it.
I'll go ahead and yell it.
But I sure as hell won't write it here.

Shine

You know how some people say it's to reach for the stars? To find beauty that is elsewhere because there is always more. Sometimes it's about creating more in the place where you already stand, opening your eyes to see the star you had thought was dimming. Sometimes it's about making the effort to reignite that star and as you reach inside its heart to do so, you finally realize where you're supposed to make your wish. That is the kind of star you are, even if you think there are more attractive swirls. It always sucks to have someone not take a chance on you, half because you want to know what it feels like to be with them, and half because you wonder if they'll ever regret not doing it.

Choices, Stress, Life.

I wanted you to know, my heart still remains with you, even if we're further apart now.
I'm proud of you, if you get accepted or don't get accepted.. I'll be here for you, no matter what.

Lost.

Have you ever been thinking about things, and realized how much someone really meant to you? Like have you lost a friend, then you were looking back and you were like "Dang, you were so stupid for letting them walk out of your life like that!" I just had that moment. I had a great friend, Tiffanie and we just stoped talking, we let it ruin our friendship, and it really sucks, because Tiffanie was like my little sister to me, I thought highly of her. And I just realized how stupid I am for letting something little get between us. We let life get in the way, and didn't realize how truely great the friendship was, and we always had each others backs..

Why would you wanna break a perfectly good heart?

Feeling like complete CRAP.. I can't explain the way I feel by blogging.

When in need,

Turn to me. I'm a person who could keep a secret. I hate people who you trust, but then they just blab what you say just right out to someone, then that someone tells you that the person you told, told that someone. I hate that, that's why I try to be very kind to others.

Random blog, nothing to say.
Goodnight.

What?

I HAVE A GOOD REASON TO STAY, BUT AN EVEN BETTER ONE TO LEAVE.

to tell the whole truth, i can't take it anymore.
i can't take any of it much longer.

i can't take any of this stress on me much longer..

what did i do to deserve this all anyways?


Something good will come from this.
I'll be alright.

Why can't we just get over things?

i trusted you, i trusted all of you. every. single. one. of. you. and you all let me down. because unlike you, i mean everything that comes out of my mouth.



whoever said it was impossible miss something you never
had obviously never almost had you.





stop getting up for the letdown
just incase you were wondering, i love him..VERY MUCH:D

i'll shine for you, that's what i'll do.

what exactly is holding us back?

There's no one in the world I want more than you,

you've got this silly way of keeping me on the edge of my seat(:

Told you so,

My mom doesn't approve of me having a boyfriend at this age. I want to tell somebody that I absolutely love him, I want to stay with him, forever if it's possible. I really believe we can, the only thing standing in my way is my parents and what they have to say about the whole thing. I knew I shouldn't have been so sneaky, I knew I shouldn't have told my mom, but eventually she'd find out and blow up. I knew, that she'd explode when I told her, and she did that exactly. I don't think I can take it anymore, I think the best thing to do, is to just take a break from eachother, but then I'll just feel so miserable. I don't want that.

Starting over

Why does life give you these things that you can't even handle by yourself? It's really unfair, what people have done to me to make me the person that I am today. Why does everything just go wrong with me? Did I do anything wrong? Seriously, it seems like life is so unfair at the momment, like its treating me like it hates me and wants me to just die. Crying my eyes out since 1:30 this afternoon, you don't even know how it feels like to feel like this, unless you've felt like this before. My heart was nearly healed, but now it's just back to the same old mess it was in the first place. Whatever, I shouldn't let it get to me like I am right now..Current song I'm in love with is Kinda heart broken - aj rafael. and sooner or later by drake.
Ahh,i'm really not in a blogging mood right now, because of what happend today, maybe later i'll just rewrite this all, to what i want it to say.
__MEGAAN.

Love wins.

I want you, but I don't want you. Life seems completely complicated at the momment, there's too many things going on in my head at once about him, that I can't think straight. It's my 4th time getting caught with him. I'm not complainging, it's just I need to be very careful not to get caught anymore. My grandma is starting to piss me off, a lot. He gives me reasons to smile, he's my sunshine. Wanna know who youre real friends are? screw up and see who's still there. What goes around comes all the way back around..

You live, You learn -- You crash, You burn.

Never cry over something that can't cry over you. That's what I need to remember.
Have you ever noticed how hard it is to let go of the thing that causes you so much pain? Of letting go of pain at all? It seems that pain is what keeps most people going, keeps them in check with reailty. Sometimes, pain is all the people know, it's the only emotion they can feel. There are other people that seem to have an endless stream fo tears. A person's eyes are suppose to be the windows to their souls. But what happens when you learn to hide your emotions, your feelings, your "eyes". Does that mean you're hiding your soul from everyone? From you?
These day, my emotions are haunting my mind. I can never seem to say or do the right thing. Everything comes out wrong and mixed up.

I need to be Strong.

Stressed,

Pretty much stressed with all different things, I don't even know how or where to start with it. Volleyball has pretty much made a big turn in my life as of what happend in San Jose this past weekend. I just got back from San Jose, today. I felt like blogging about it, but I'm pretty tired right now, and there's just too much to blog about that happend. I'll blog later tomorrow, if I can remember to. I just really need time to myself, right now.. Seriously. I can act mature, but you guys won't let me show you that I can. I want to fit in. I went to San Jose to PLAY FREAKING VOLLEYBALL, and to have fun, not to be yelled at by my own teammates when I do something wrong. I seriously don't do anything wrong ALOT, it's them that do stuff wrong alot and thier yelling at me? Seriously now, come on. Setters are supposed to be the team leader, I'm 14 playing on a 16's team, I feel like I'm treated like I can't yell at them, but yet they can yell at me, because thier older than I am. I don't think it's fair at all. I think, there's only a few people, on that team that really understand what I'm going through with them right now, but for the rest of the team..I don't think they understand anything that's happening and what i feel about the whole situation that's going on..I seriously am seriously thinking about quitting the whole season as of right now.I can't take it anymore. This IS the end.

Complications,

So, I'm sitting here at home on my 2 months anniversary with him alone. I'm sitting here, thinking and drinking my thai hot tea. Tomorrow, I leave for San Jose. I'm trying my best to blog here whenever I can.. It's hard to make a commitment, and keep to it. Seriously, I try my best, but nothing works. I could go on for pages, and pages complaining about how I feel about everything. Complaining that life issn't exciting anymore, how everything issn't fair. I haven't had a deep conversation with someone in a while, I think I need one pretty soon. I'm so confused on so many levels. I find that life is easier when nobody is pushing you onto what you don't want to do. Nothing lasts forever, it only lasts a lifetime. The lifetime can end, at any minute. You're just sitting here and waiting, rotting away. 3 Valentine's ago, I got a box of hershey's chocolates, a teddy bear (that I don't know where I put), and an artificial rose. 1 Valentine's ago, I got a box of chocolates, a balloon, and a real rose. I wonder what Charles is planning me this Valentine's day.. My parent's aren't going to be together this Valentine's day, because my step dad is taking me to San Jose, and my mom and sister are going to Las Vegas. I want togo to school tomorrow, but I don't think I can stand PE. Or, some of the other classes. So, I guess I'll wait until Tuesday for a LATE valentine's gift. 5 days without seeing Charles? Issn't that hard enough? ):

Today I'm sad, but I don't know why. I guess, because I didn't get to see him.. When I really wanted to, but there's really nothing I could do about it. I'll stop ranting now, bye.

The feelings,

Not being with you makes me realize how many things make me want to be with you. I don't think I can be without you, now that I'm stuck on you like glue. I never want to let go of you. I never thought you thought of me like the way you do now. Never did I expect this, in a million years. I just want you. I love you. 2 Months strong, been through one fight. Never do I want to experience that one again. Somehow, whenever I'm at school..Something always relates to you. Someone, always brings you up, or I just start thinking about you. I know you're going to be a hard one to forget, I don't want to forget about you. You mean so much to me. I love how when I play, you play along with it. I love how you love to make me laugh. I love how you make me smile the instant I see your face. Theres something about you that gets my emotions all tangled inside. When you smile, or if I just see you it makes my day. I just can't ever get you off my mind. For you, I'd do anything, because your my everything. When you kiss my lips, I feel brand new. With all the things you do to make me happy. With every step we take, we're getting stronger as a coupple.
I just hope, this lasts through high school. Because, I really REALLY do love you. I think I want to spend my life with you, I think I wanna have my babies with you. I dont think I need anyone else, but you. You make me whole. I think youre my soulmate..

Now your gone,

When I needed you along time ago, you were there, but I was just too scared to talk to you about it. Now, I want to know why everything's confusing me, I think you're a part of it..You're not here with me, anymore.. I mean, I don't love you anymore, but I still have feelings for you..maybe just a little bit. I don't get why, love does this to us.. I'm in love with Charles, but there's something in the way of not letting me love him more than I do. I think it's you, you, you. Charles, I come to you in peices, so you could make me whole again. I'm a teenager, I fall in love too often, too easily. I don't listen to people's advice, but I usually take it anyways.. I hurt people, and I love people.. The biggest mistake youcould do in your life is drift away from someone who once made you smile. Something, always brings me back to YOU. I never wanna be without you, you make me complete.

Lost,

If I knew how I felt, I wouldn't mind telling you anything. The only problem is, I don't know how I feel, so I can't tell you how I feel. Maybe another break is all I need, but I don't want another break, because it will only make it worse for us. I love you, I just don't really know how I feel about anything at the momment. One minute, I'm crazy in love with you, and the next..it's like I don't wanna be with you.. Maybe it's just me, being so crazy in love with you, when we first started out, and now I'm just like up and down, up and down.. Maybe that's what caused this whole mess I'm facing all by myself, but you want to help. I'm not letting you help, because I dont want you do be miserable, just like I am. You deserve nothing, but happiness in your life. I'm trying to give you happiness, but my confusion has made me stop. Trust me, I really don't like being so confused about things like I am at the momment. It's my thoughts that can only stop this. I have to be stronger. As of right now, I'm nothing..but weak. You can break me into peices, because I love you so much. At any momment, we could break up and I could just immedeatley just start crying my eyes out. Who said, I wanted that to happen? I DON'T want that to happen, never. I want to be with you forever, but to face the facts, it's highly rare that we'll get past through highschool together if this keeps up..and if it gets worse, too. I want nothing, but smiles, laughs, jokes, I want memories with you. So, at least I could remember the happy times I had with you when we were together. I really think you deserve someone so much better than I am, it breaks my heart when I have to say that, but it's true. Just tell me one thing, do you really truely love me? I'm too confused and miserable.

edit;
Someone told me today, that love is just a feeling you feel. You really don't need it, but you want to have it. I don't mean to hurt you like I do sometimes, I don't do it on purpose, but relationships can't go on without letting the ohter person speak what's on thier minds, right? I think that's the thing that makes the relationship strong, is the talking. My mood's been shifting from one mood to the next, I need to be stable. I really, NEED to be stronger. I believe that you and I could make it. Could it happen?

Go away,

The one thing I hate the most about rain is being so freaking depressed and I think so much when it's raining. Something always happens when it rains too, seriously. I always have bad luck when it rains. "Rain, rain, go away, please come back another day." There's things I hate about life, and things I love about life.. Currently, I've been confused about so many things, I don't know what to do..or think about anything. I really want things to work out great for me, but I guess I have to let everything "fall into place", before I can be happy.. It's like a bad dream, happening over and over and over again.. I try to not dream of this kinda dream often, but it just happens, and I can't controll it.. I hate the fact that my parents have to be so strict with things. I just want to do ONE thing, and they have to say "NO". It's really getting to the point, where I get pissed off easily.. Like for example, I'm going to be going to San Jose, and my mother wants me to "set higher" when i'm setting 1's&4's. (middles&outsides), when apparently, I'M TRYING MY BEST ALREADY. I have to remember to do ALL these different things, remember where I am in rotations, it gets really confusing, i can't take it all at once. I have my mother, coach, and grandmother screaming at me all at once.. It's too much to handle. I'm really, seriously to the point, of STRESSED out. &to be honest, I don't know what to do with the situation i'm trying to deal with.. I love you, I don't want to hurt you.

Long time,

I haven't posted a blog since the summer. Thought it would be a good time to post one since I needed to vent to someone about things that're going on in life at the momment. Life seems completely chaiotic, I don't know what's going to happen next with everything that's happening with me. At the same time, I love life currently with all that I have. My boyfriend, who's absolutely amazing. He makes me smile like there's no tomorrow. He's so understanding, yet when he doesn't understand something, he thinks about it then understands. It's just that something is bothering me, I don't understand, or know what it is that's bugging me. I hate it, completely HATE it when something like this happends to me, it makes me feel awful. I've mett so many guys in the past, that's its hard for me to trust any guy now, lies, lies, lies, lies. Currently, I'm working on another song.. Hopefully, it'll be done soon.. I'mma write in this, when I KNOW what's been on my mind.. I'll try blogging on this every now and then.. When I can.

-MeganMary