Stressed,

Pretty much stressed with all different things, I don't even know how or where to start with it. Volleyball has pretty much made a big turn in my life as of what happend in San Jose this past weekend. I just got back from San Jose, today. I felt like blogging about it, but I'm pretty tired right now, and there's just too much to blog about that happend. I'll blog later tomorrow, if I can remember to. I just really need time to myself, right now.. Seriously. I can act mature, but you guys won't let me show you that I can. I want to fit in. I went to San Jose to PLAY FREAKING VOLLEYBALL, and to have fun, not to be yelled at by my own teammates when I do something wrong. I seriously don't do anything wrong ALOT, it's them that do stuff wrong alot and thier yelling at me? Seriously now, come on. Setters are supposed to be the team leader, I'm 14 playing on a 16's team, I feel like I'm treated like I can't yell at them, but yet they can yell at me, because thier older than I am. I don't think it's fair at all. I think, there's only a few people, on that team that really understand what I'm going through with them right now, but for the rest of the team..I don't think they understand anything that's happening and what i feel about the whole situation that's going on..I seriously am seriously thinking about quitting the whole season as of right now.I can't take it anymore. This IS the end.

Complications,

So, I'm sitting here at home on my 2 months anniversary with him alone. I'm sitting here, thinking and drinking my thai hot tea. Tomorrow, I leave for San Jose. I'm trying my best to blog here whenever I can.. It's hard to make a commitment, and keep to it. Seriously, I try my best, but nothing works. I could go on for pages, and pages complaining about how I feel about everything. Complaining that life issn't exciting anymore, how everything issn't fair. I haven't had a deep conversation with someone in a while, I think I need one pretty soon. I'm so confused on so many levels. I find that life is easier when nobody is pushing you onto what you don't want to do. Nothing lasts forever, it only lasts a lifetime. The lifetime can end, at any minute. You're just sitting here and waiting, rotting away. 3 Valentine's ago, I got a box of hershey's chocolates, a teddy bear (that I don't know where I put), and an artificial rose. 1 Valentine's ago, I got a box of chocolates, a balloon, and a real rose. I wonder what Charles is planning me this Valentine's day.. My parent's aren't going to be together this Valentine's day, because my step dad is taking me to San Jose, and my mom and sister are going to Las Vegas. I want togo to school tomorrow, but I don't think I can stand PE. Or, some of the other classes. So, I guess I'll wait until Tuesday for a LATE valentine's gift. 5 days without seeing Charles? Issn't that hard enough? ):

Today I'm sad, but I don't know why. I guess, because I didn't get to see him.. When I really wanted to, but there's really nothing I could do about it. I'll stop ranting now, bye.

The feelings,

Not being with you makes me realize how many things make me want to be with you. I don't think I can be without you, now that I'm stuck on you like glue. I never want to let go of you. I never thought you thought of me like the way you do now. Never did I expect this, in a million years. I just want you. I love you. 2 Months strong, been through one fight. Never do I want to experience that one again. Somehow, whenever I'm at school..Something always relates to you. Someone, always brings you up, or I just start thinking about you. I know you're going to be a hard one to forget, I don't want to forget about you. You mean so much to me. I love how when I play, you play along with it. I love how you love to make me laugh. I love how you make me smile the instant I see your face. Theres something about you that gets my emotions all tangled inside. When you smile, or if I just see you it makes my day. I just can't ever get you off my mind. For you, I'd do anything, because your my everything. When you kiss my lips, I feel brand new. With all the things you do to make me happy. With every step we take, we're getting stronger as a coupple.
I just hope, this lasts through high school. Because, I really REALLY do love you. I think I want to spend my life with you, I think I wanna have my babies with you. I dont think I need anyone else, but you. You make me whole. I think youre my soulmate..

Now your gone,

When I needed you along time ago, you were there, but I was just too scared to talk to you about it. Now, I want to know why everything's confusing me, I think you're a part of it..You're not here with me, anymore.. I mean, I don't love you anymore, but I still have feelings for you..maybe just a little bit. I don't get why, love does this to us.. I'm in love with Charles, but there's something in the way of not letting me love him more than I do. I think it's you, you, you. Charles, I come to you in peices, so you could make me whole again. I'm a teenager, I fall in love too often, too easily. I don't listen to people's advice, but I usually take it anyways.. I hurt people, and I love people.. The biggest mistake youcould do in your life is drift away from someone who once made you smile. Something, always brings me back to YOU. I never wanna be without you, you make me complete.

Lost,

If I knew how I felt, I wouldn't mind telling you anything. The only problem is, I don't know how I feel, so I can't tell you how I feel. Maybe another break is all I need, but I don't want another break, because it will only make it worse for us. I love you, I just don't really know how I feel about anything at the momment. One minute, I'm crazy in love with you, and the next..it's like I don't wanna be with you.. Maybe it's just me, being so crazy in love with you, when we first started out, and now I'm just like up and down, up and down.. Maybe that's what caused this whole mess I'm facing all by myself, but you want to help. I'm not letting you help, because I dont want you do be miserable, just like I am. You deserve nothing, but happiness in your life. I'm trying to give you happiness, but my confusion has made me stop. Trust me, I really don't like being so confused about things like I am at the momment. It's my thoughts that can only stop this. I have to be stronger. As of right now, I'm nothing..but weak. You can break me into peices, because I love you so much. At any momment, we could break up and I could just immedeatley just start crying my eyes out. Who said, I wanted that to happen? I DON'T want that to happen, never. I want to be with you forever, but to face the facts, it's highly rare that we'll get past through highschool together if this keeps up..and if it gets worse, too. I want nothing, but smiles, laughs, jokes, I want memories with you. So, at least I could remember the happy times I had with you when we were together. I really think you deserve someone so much better than I am, it breaks my heart when I have to say that, but it's true. Just tell me one thing, do you really truely love me? I'm too confused and miserable.

edit;
Someone told me today, that love is just a feeling you feel. You really don't need it, but you want to have it. I don't mean to hurt you like I do sometimes, I don't do it on purpose, but relationships can't go on without letting the ohter person speak what's on thier minds, right? I think that's the thing that makes the relationship strong, is the talking. My mood's been shifting from one mood to the next, I need to be stable. I really, NEED to be stronger. I believe that you and I could make it. Could it happen?

Go away,

The one thing I hate the most about rain is being so freaking depressed and I think so much when it's raining. Something always happens when it rains too, seriously. I always have bad luck when it rains. "Rain, rain, go away, please come back another day." There's things I hate about life, and things I love about life.. Currently, I've been confused about so many things, I don't know what to do..or think about anything. I really want things to work out great for me, but I guess I have to let everything "fall into place", before I can be happy.. It's like a bad dream, happening over and over and over again.. I try to not dream of this kinda dream often, but it just happens, and I can't controll it.. I hate the fact that my parents have to be so strict with things. I just want to do ONE thing, and they have to say "NO". It's really getting to the point, where I get pissed off easily.. Like for example, I'm going to be going to San Jose, and my mother wants me to "set higher" when i'm setting 1's&4's. (middles&outsides), when apparently, I'M TRYING MY BEST ALREADY. I have to remember to do ALL these different things, remember where I am in rotations, it gets really confusing, i can't take it all at once. I have my mother, coach, and grandmother screaming at me all at once.. It's too much to handle. I'm really, seriously to the point, of STRESSED out. &to be honest, I don't know what to do with the situation i'm trying to deal with.. I love you, I don't want to hurt you.

Long time,

I haven't posted a blog since the summer. Thought it would be a good time to post one since I needed to vent to someone about things that're going on in life at the momment. Life seems completely chaiotic, I don't know what's going to happen next with everything that's happening with me. At the same time, I love life currently with all that I have. My boyfriend, who's absolutely amazing. He makes me smile like there's no tomorrow. He's so understanding, yet when he doesn't understand something, he thinks about it then understands. It's just that something is bothering me, I don't understand, or know what it is that's bugging me. I hate it, completely HATE it when something like this happends to me, it makes me feel awful. I've mett so many guys in the past, that's its hard for me to trust any guy now, lies, lies, lies, lies. Currently, I'm working on another song.. Hopefully, it'll be done soon.. I'mma write in this, when I KNOW what's been on my mind.. I'll try blogging on this every now and then.. When I can.

-MeganMary